I'm still single because I don't want to marry ...

Relationship | Aug. 03, 2017

So once your 40s hit?, it's clear that if you're not married, ?there has to be something seriously wrong with you. If you're still quite attractive, the only explanation is that you're crazy. If you're not generally labeled a beauty, hen the only reason you never settled down has to be the fact that no man wanted to fuck you forever. And if you are a perfectly normal human being?, with no track record that leads to the blasphemous sort, be prepared for an onslaught of suggestions that hinder towards the realm of disbelief?--?that despite all your worthy attributes, you were unlucky enough to be ignored the pleasure and privilege of having a man reassuringly validate why you deserve honor and respect forever and ever.

My mother is beside herself that her only daughter who has exceeded the limit allotted to women of a certain age refuses to shame her detractors by proving the elevation of miracles that can grant your very wish?--?if you wish it. She -- and everyone who questions by bleak status? -- ?seem to settle for the comfort of knowing that my inability to be humbly betrothed has be due to my fierceness against such an institution. So, basically I rejected the assortment of offers that any girl in her right mind would readily accept.

I like to be alone and wasted on the high of my less than stellar predicament. I am self-loathing and incapable of recognizing the joy that comes with finding that person who is willing to be with you through it all. He's not perfect?, but he tries to be? because he loves me that much. This amazing person tried to reach me, but I'm keeping my distance and it's costing me a lifetime of regret and suffering. I will always be viewed as the pathetic spinster who was too messed up to see through the shit of my own making. Here's the thing: Getting married was never a disposition I dreamt about with glee or anticipated with the naivety of a blossoming flower?that expects the sun to shine all day for its benefit.

The mystery behind why I rejected the norm isn't as layered as the stacks may indicate: I didn't want to end up with an asshole. Truth be told, ?it's not that hard to get married. If you're mission has to be accomplished at whatever cost, ?chances are definitely in your favor. But, if you're me, ?things get a bit more complicated. As much as I would relish the thought of having an all day ceremony that revolves around me and my "Prince Charming," ?nothing can transpire until I find him. And, I haven't yet. That doesn't mean I never will. It just verifies that until I do?, ?I won't be heading down the aisle anytime soon. I have no desire to perform for the cameras of expectants who are surrounded with baited breath as they lock into a race that they know they will win?--?with or without my input.

Being committed to someone who is determined to make my life as glorious as possible? sounds like a dream come true?--?but unfortunately, only a select few get to partake in this splendor. If I'm not guaranteed "happily ever after," ?I am okay with that. What I am not okay with is the disruptive assumption that I purposely chose to live a life devoid of passion or life long adherence to a well-furnished existence that highlights the man who loves me and our two precious kids. No, I didn't decide to be a lowly single gal in her 40s who can barley support herself. But life be like that sometimes.

If you play by the rules and never dare to venture into the realm of uncertainty, you can't possibly understand what it's like to toss your hat into the ring ?in a bid for anything that deviates from the structured template that holds us down. I play to win but if I lose, there are no regrets. Only the best will do for this girl who wanted it all but ended up with a diced quarter of her earnings. I can live with my choices and proudly display them whenever the laser eyes threaten my steps forward.

I am not ashamed that I refuted the notion that anything will do in the eyes of the committee that judges without history. You see me. I am intelligent, well-spoken, passionate and not at all bordering on the ledge of insanity. Instead of wondering why I was unable to capture a man that wanted me badly enough to secure my reputation?, please wonder why on earth such a man doesn't exist for me?--?or you. A version of this post originally appeared on Medium .

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